Growing Up Too Fast

Two weeks from now my little boy will start schooling already. I think he is ready for school but I am not. Not really about school but I guess I'm not yet ready to let go. He has grown up so fast and I can do nothing about it but watch.


At 3 and a half he knows what he wants to wear, where he wants to go, he even asks me if he can watch a certain movie. He understands why we have to wake him up early so that we can take him to Mamu before we leave for work. He knows that we have to leave him every morning because we need to work so we can buy him his toy cars (atleast that much he understands). Last night Hubby asked him to massage his back, he did what he was asked to do but he also told his dad to stop working so he won't get back pains. hehehe Smart kid.


Sometimes he wants to be treated like a baby but most of the time he tells me "Big boy na ako mommy di ba? I am proudest when I hear those words but at the same time in my heart, in a little corner of my heart (if there is a corner) I also feel a different kind of sadness.


I think I have to start letting go now.

Done Hybernating

I know I have not made any posts for 40+ years. Sometimes I have to be an irresponsible blogger and be a responsible __________ (please fill in the blanks). I guess I have to manage to be responsible in all aspects in my life. Sad to say I can't seem to do that right now.

Its mid September and I am busy preparing for L's 3rd birthday. Whew! 3 years? Gosh time is so fast and I am having a hard time catching up. Having celebrated my 30th birthday 2 weeks ago I never realized I was growing old until I was doing the preps for L's birthday. He's 3 and I'm old. ha ha ha ha ha

I can't cease the days. All I can do is to seize the days and keep memories in my heart.

Believe In Prayers

My job in an IT software company requires me to do product presentation. I happen to have one today. As I have a had enough of the bad days this week I was wishing that today would be better but the signs were not as good as I expected when I woke up this morning. . I woke up 7:15 AM and the rain has been pouring down so heavily since 6AM according to our househelp. Call time for the team to be at client site is 8:30. Well no worries I live just 15 minutes away anyways. So I took all the time taking my bath and preparing to go. I was on my way 8:15 only to encounter flooded streets and heavier rain. But the schedule is set and I have been praying for this schedule for 3 weeks already.

When I got to the client site everyone was there but the server like the weather was not cooperating. I panicked! "Oh no! This isn't happening." Thoughts about my boss getting haywire, thoughts on embarassment, thoughts on eventually finding a new job if my boss fires me were all over my mind while I waited for the sign from our technical guy that the server is up and ready.

In the midst of the on-going presentation and thinking about all those thoughts I realized I should not think about all the nega things I am thinking. I stopped and willed myself to pray. And the prayer was simple. "Lord, please make the server cooperate. Make it start up the application."

Ten minutes was all it took for my prayers to be answered. The server was up and ready and I was able to smile my sweetest smile. In my thoughts I silently said my thanks. "Thank you, Lord. You saved my day. You saved us."

Prayers are heard even if the pouring of the rain is deafening.

Still

It has been 3 years since it happened.

It has been 3 years since your life has turned 360 degrees and most of the things you believed in for all of your life flew out of the window.

Three years but you still wonder why you did it.

Three years but you still cry to unload your heart's burden.

Three years and you're questioning why things are the way they are and not the way they should be.

Three years and you're still struggling.

Three years and you're still there - sitting still.

Monday Blues

I wish I have a less sensitive heart so I won't think much about hurting other people's feelings and hurting mine as well.

But does having a less sensitive heart would also mean being less compassionate?

I wish I have a less sensitive but still compassionate heart.

I hope that's not too much to ask.

One Tree Hill: One More Time

I just finished watching the season 5 of One Tree Hill on dvd (pirated, sorry Papa Edu). I have been finding time to do this, thanks to the long weekend I was able to finish the whole season. Actually this season wasn't as long as the last 4 so I got it done and over with during the weekend.

Season 5 was more of a fit for me right now because it focused on the characters' lives after college. Unlike the other 4 seasons, it was mostly high school life, even if the actors don't look like high school students. I have watched the fast forward over the net - the fast forward was an overview of season 5 so that you will have a better understanding when the season starts.

Four years after college the Tree Hill guys were doing their stuff, pursuing their passion and making their dreams come true. But at one point they all realized that they will be happier if they go back to Tree Hill and make their dreams come true there.

I can totally relate. I always look back and asked myself "What if after graduation I went home and started my career there?" Truly, there's no place like home but I know I wouldn't have learned and matured this much if I went home. No regrets.

The best episode, for me, in that season was episode 18, the season ender. It was where Marvin was given the big break by the TV station he's working for. He was covering the Ravens basketball game and captured all the drama during the game, first hand. He's got the story that could bring him a step closer to his dreams. But he chose not to tell story. Why? Because all the drama involved his friends and their reputations. Obviously, friendship mattered to him even if he ended up doing all the dirty work in the station because he told the station manager he didn't get the story.

Loyalty in friendship, existing but rare. I wish Marvin is my friend - someone who'll stick with me and can never be swayed by money, power and popularity.

I've had lots of Marvins in my life - true friends,that is. But I wish for more...yeah, that's my wish-more Marvins please Lord.

Happy birthday to me.

Where's the fire?

I had a heart-to-heart talk with one of my mentors yesterday and she asked me "where's the fire Loveme?" She was talking about the fire she has seen in me when she first met me.

I have always been passionate about life - everything about life. I got that from my father. He taught me how important it is to keep the fire burning, to love everything, to be passionate about life. I am still passionate, I still have the passion to bring out the best, not only for myself but for the people around me. It has never died down but as I grow more mature I have come to realize that things and sometimes people will try to test you. They will try to squeeze out all that passion and leave you with nothing.

But at the end of it all you will end up asking yourself is it worth it? Is my passion worth fighting for? Will I let them take it away?

In this 29 years of existence I have asked myself those questions several times already. And guess what my answer was when my mentor asked me that question yesterday, I said "no it has not died down, its still burning, naka-low lang". =)